Erica Reid

I want a Puggle.

stuck
weird
chest pains
stuck
still
quiet
happy
freaked
not moving forward, yet not moving back
tired
weepy
confused
confused
still
exhausted
sore
creaky
surprised
is it ok to want to stay in bed? i think it is.
i might
weird
pain
weeps
confused
here

It's official. I can't go a day without drinking coffee. Twice now in the last few weeks, I've forgotten to have a cup, and the first time it sent me spiraling into a nasty headache. Last night I was freaking exhausted, and this morning I woke up feeling hungover. So then Shannon said to me "Did you have coffee yesterday?" Bah! No! So I just had some, and I feel great. Sheesh.

Though I know I could be addicted to worse things.

"Harry, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot black coffee."
--Dale Cooper, Twin Peaks

I am reading this amazing book that Fuzzy got me last year, Transcending Loss, and it is a difficult read, but a helpful one. Basically the book tells you that grief and loss is a lifelong process and your relationship with the one who is gone will continue over time. It talks about 3 phases of grief, I think they are shock, disorientation and transcendence. This, along with my therapy, helps me to understand that my 10 months of laying on the couch watching tv and drinking wine was the right thing to do and just what I needed. Also in the book, it tells you to talk about your loved one as much as possible--tell stories about him because it helps to continue the relationship. It says that you will think that no one wants to listen anymore--which is so true--I think one reason I wrote so much on my blog about dad is because I was sure that people were sick of hearing me talk about it. Whether or not that is true, writing about these things is a blessing.

In addition, I am reading a book by Sark called Thirsty Pens, Juicy Paper, which basically says "You have stories to tell and we need to read them." That telling your stories helps others and keeps people and history alive. Reading these books at the same time is a bit overwhelming, inspiring and emotional.

I've wanted to write about Dad lately. I wanted to write on Father's Day about who he was and what he means to me. I wanted to write about his love of reptiles and how once, when I was in 1st grade, on the way to Culkin, he picked up a turtle on the side of the road and put him on the floorboard of the car. The turtle then peed all over the car, and instead of being upset, his reaction was "Look at the turtle pee! Kids, look at him pee!" How he loved frogs and lizards and turtles and snakes and he would come inside with lizards hanging from his earlobes or on the tip of his finger "hey, what's over there." Once I was on his shoulders on vacation and he picked up a snake with a stick, neverminding that I am terrified of snakes. That every holiday or occasion I would buy him some sort of chotchke reptile--a beaded frog, a pewter turtle. When he had his major surgery, he kept his turtle finger puppet with him the whole time. When, after he died, I got sad when I saw a beaded frog in a store, and Fuzzy said "why don't you get it for him anyway" and I continue to buy him things like that, only now for his grave. The book says to say things like "Oh, Dad would have loved that." and continue to tell stories about him because it keeps him a part of your current life. I'm not sure how people react to that--people tend to get embarrassed or apologetic or try to change the subject. But we want to talk about it. I want to talk about the fact that the Lucha Libre thumb wrestling masks would be the perfect gift for him because every night before bed we did a nighttime routine that ended with a game of thumb wrestling. I once game him a thumbwrestling ring--like with a mat and ropes. Little things to make him giggle.

The other day, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a while. She asked how my Dad was doing, and I told her that he passed away over a year and a half ago. And I was ok.

The next night, we saw Barenaked Ladies in concert--something I have done many times and even helped make a video for, and I sobbed uncontrollably thinking about life and how things change and keep going. I thought about seeing BNL for the first time in high school in Memphis and dancing with my brother and how Mom and Dad always took us to go see concerts--it was a part of our upbringing. When a song from that first album was sung, I was overwhelmed with feeling, and the floodgates opened up--which is a good thing. I stood there, out in the night sky, holding Fuzzy, the love of my life, and sobbing. Instead of wanting a drink or something to help me get through it, I just stayed in that moment. Missing what was once there, celebrating what is now. Each feeling is a blessing, and it is a part of my continuing healing and processing.

All of these things and so much more are fighting to get out of my head. This is a good place to start. Things are ever changing and there is no "normal." It's all how you handle the now.

Per mom's request, here are some pics of the wonderful and adorable seal.

Look at this sweet little baby! He kept swimming in circles, upside down with his little eyes shut and a smile on his face. I was like a little girl again, giggling and squealing about it.

It reminded me of Parker. If Parker was a seal, she would look like this guy. See?

In my head, everytime the seal swam around it was going "Hmmmmmmmmmmm." This is me pretending to be the seal (yes, I am wearing purple kitty ears.)

So then Fuzzy cartooned it.

It's almost 6pm on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and Fuzzy and I are trapped at the zoo! Our combination bike lock crapped out at us, so we are laying in the grass waiting for Shaun to save us by bringing us bolt cutters. But at least we saw some beloved friends and Kate's gorgeous illustrations for the children's zoo! (finally)

Is the universe telling us to chill out? Maybe. One thing I do know is that we saw saw the most adorable and serene seal today.

I will try to be better next week about blogging. This week has been so busy. What's been going on? The shows on Saturday were a lot of fun (see the pics here,) and on Sunday I did a photo shoot for an amazing new bike bag (more info to come soon). This week, we've worked on a video for a contest (also more to come soon), gone jogging, had a meeting for Apes (please submit an audition!), seen friends, hung out, cleaned, blah blah. Thank God it is finally hot and I feel more like a normal person. I just get so much more done! Tonight, Fuzzy is going to rock out WNEP's MAELSTROM, and tomorrow, after chillin with some old school Second City friends, we are heading to Milwaukee (which is Algonquin for "The Good Land") to see Barenaked Ladies at Summerfest. Yeah! Fried Cheese curds!

I don't know what to say about all the celebrity deaths this week. We knew Farrah was going to leave us soon--she has the same cancer as Dad did, and no matter how hopeful and optimistic people are when it comes to fighting cancer, I feel so hopeless and can't believe that anyone will make it. Thank God, I know people who have beat it, but I know way more who haven't. My heart goes out to her family.

As for MJ--man, that is just weird. We all grew up with his songs and videos, and for me, as a dancer, I would love watching them over and over. Remember the night that Black or White premiered on primetime tv, after the Simpsons or Seinfeld or something and it BLEW EVERYONE AWAY?! Amazing. I loved his dancing, loved Remember the Time (the one with Iman, and where they do that way low back bend) and Lord, ALL of them; Scream (the one with Janet), The Way You Make Me Feel (the one with the fire hydrant), Bad. They are all amazing. And of course Thriller--I would be too scared to watch the beginning and the end of it, so I would hide (I STILL can't watch the end of it, after the dance), but then loved the dance and the making of. And in the last 10 years I have performed and taught that very dance for a million different shows (including a tv show). Man. So sad. I hope someone out there who had a baby yesterday named it Blanket or King Michael in his memory.

Hold on to the ones you love while you have them. They are precious. Enjoy each day and live the life you want--don't just long for it.

I saw this in Evanston today, and I knew you would enjoy:

Such true words.